SubscribeFiguring out what it means to be in the sandwich generation
I never imagined when I was 16 and dreaming of my future, that in my mid-50s I would be a cheerleader, trying to figure out the right things to say and do for a teenage daughter and an aging mother.
First, I’m Mom, juggling the demands of a 14-year-old who is coping with restless hormones and adolescent drama. I’m also Daughter, the oldest of four sisters, doting on a nearly 80-year-old mother who still dishes advice but increasingly asks for it too. About medical care, financial decisions, non-skid bedroom slippers. My mother gets frustrated with her aches and pains and the inability of doctors to say exactly what’s causing them. My daughter frets about some situations at school and disappointing scores on tests. I hug them both, I listen, and I wonder if I’m saying what they need to hear.
A lot of us, women who put off motherhood and are lucky enough to still have our mothers or fathers in our lives, are caught up in this middle-age dance. It’s exhilarating and challenging. Puzzling and refreshing. We’re coping with menopause, and helping our children deal with acne. We’re worrying about layoffs while we’re helping our parents navigate the bureaucracy of Medicare. We’re guiding our children toward independence and trying to gracefully handle the growing dependence of our parents.
A few months ago, my daughter came home bursting to talk about a girl in middle school who tried to force her into ignoring some girls the bully didn’t like.
What to say?
I told my daughter that friendships are special and that she shouldn’t let anyone dictate how she deals with her buddies. As for the bully, I explained that the girl was insecure and jealous and the best way to get her to back off was to remain calm and confident. Now my daughter is seeking advice as she adjusts to being a freshmen in a high school.
Recently, my mom called to talk about a situation with a doctor.
What to do?
I suggested that she get a second opinion from another specialist at a widely recognized teaching hospital. She did, and it turned out that both doctors offered the same diagnosis.
This is a fascinating and wonderful journey. There are many of us, middle-age moms pulled between two generations.
How are you coping?
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I am a member of the Sandwich Generation, a Baby Boomer raising a teenage daughter and dealing with the needs of an aging mother. I am a veteran journalist, having worked for more than three decades as a reporter and editor. Mostly recently, I was an editor with the Metro section of The Washington Post.
